Seeing you tear up was probably the most painful experience of my life. More painful than the time I skid my elbows. More painful than the time I had to get stitches on my head. More painful than watching a handful of people I care about walk out of my life. So painful, that I began to feel numb. So numb, that I almost think I can no longer feel anymore.
I was looking through my old documents and stumbled across one of my creative writings for APLIT back in high school. This is all still so vivid to me. Enjoy.
Drip Drip Drip; that constant noise of water falling to the floor; one drop at a time, at a slow and steady pace. You could probably feel the cold shiver of fear running through my blood from miles away. I could feel the cold marble floor touch the bottom of my toes and the warmth of the tears dripping onto my shirt. My eyes were swelling and my eye sight started to get blurry; was God going to try to take away my sanity? I curled into a tiny little ball; trying to hide away from the world, trying to hide my pain. I could feel my hands getting numb because I was holding my hand in a fist; stabbing my palm with my nails. But I didn’t care. The numbness started to flow through my body until I felt nothing. I didn’t feel it when I hit my head against the wall, I didn’t feel anything when I clawed at my face to stop the tears. Nothing worked; nothing could ever get rid of this pain. I sat there, lost and confused. I let my mind drift away from me. I let the warm tears continue to roll down my cheeks and follow down to my neck and onto the tips of my hair then hit my t-shirt. Reality hit me hard. Suddenly, I started feeling really warm inside and out. My skin started to feel like the sun on a summer day. Burning. I felt my cheeks slowly turn red and my eyes starting to find its sight back. Suddenly, all I could hear is a loud high pitched screeching noise. It wasn’t until it stopped that I realized it was me. My throat started to sting and I started coughing repeatedly to the point where my tears weren’t tears of sadness anymore, they became tears of pure physical pain. It felt like gravity was tugging my head up; giving me a headache so severe I almost pulled all my hair out. I was beyond furious now. How could this be happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? WHY? Next thing I knew, I saw a fist fly in front of my eyes and hit the wall near it. I pulled the fist back; staring at it…wondering why it flew all on its own. My knuckles slowly started turning red and started to swell up. I then looked up to the ceiling and said to myself, “I can’t believe I’m sitting here while my mom is over 7,000 miles away from me…having a kidney transplant with only a low percentage of surviving. Why am I here and not there?”