You asked if I would have push you away. I said I wouldn’t have. I wanted to tell you that I was hoping, almost praying, that you would have held me, kissed me. But I didn’t. Because I knew deep down that we weren’t meant to be. And I know you knew as well. But this physical pull towards you is killing me inside and I can’t seem to shake it off. Merely grazing your fingers sends electricity through my body and it drives me insane. I need to keep telling myself I don’t feel this way. I don’t want you. I don’t need you. We have moved on and what we had was once so sweet, but now just a bitter memory.
I’ve come to the realization that I can never learn to love again until I learn to love myself.
Yeah yeah I know, shouldn’t I have already known that? And the answer is yes. I did know that. But I never accepted it. People always tell each other that it takes time to get over something, or someone. But that isn’t time to “get over” anything, it’s time to learn to accept. Acceptance of how your life is now. Acceptance of how your life will be — what it can be.
We’re going to be constantly faced with bullshit throughout our lives. Shit that makes us want to end our lives because it seems as if nothing can cure this illness that has fallen upon us. Shit that makes us feel nothing, see nothing, hear nothing. Shit that makes us delusional enough to believe that inflicting pain upon ourselves is the only way to survive. We are not to blame, though. It’s a matter of time until we begin to accept ourselves, our lives. It takes time, yes. Not time to get over someone or anything, but time to accept. Accept and move on.
Because everything will get better if you just try to accept it. Once you begin to try, things will slowly fall into place. Acceptance can lead to wanting to change, and wanting can lead to recovery. It definitely won’t be easy, but just try.
Excuse me miss, but do I know you?
Your eyes, your lips, your nose
Strange, I’m sure we’ve met
Oh and your scent!
That sweet lingering smell
I know you, I do
But wait, do I really?
Your eyes are telling me a story
You’ve been hurt, my dear
Let me shield you
What has the world done to you?
What has become of you?
How did you end up like this?
Where did it all go wrong?
Let me know, please
I beg of you, please
How do I help?
I can’t leave like this,
I can’t, I can’t
You are worth more, my dear
It’s okay, you’re okay
Don’t listen to what they tell you
They’re all lies
Society tries to deceive you into thinking you’re supposed to be more than what you already are
It’s a lie, it all is
Don’t trust them
They’ll only hurt you
Don’t get to close to anyone,
They only disappoint
Oh but honey, trust me that I won’t
Oh sweetie they’re just number
You are more than a grade
Your passions should drive you,
Not your desire to please
Oh, they all play it like it’s a game
A human beings heart is almost as dangerous as their minds
To fall in love
It tugs at your chest and you feel heavy
It forces you to comply to it’s every whim
Everyone says that “the one” is worth waiting for
But why must be go through the agony of waiting?
Oh, no no no
Do not wait for love
Do not think you are inadequate for being alone
To want to make sense of the world
In itself is hopeless, my dear
There is much to learn, much to see, much to experience
Nothing is definite, including you
But why hide?
Why stay locked up here?
To fear is nothing out of the ordinary
So why do you still hide?
Is what I said not enough?
What more can I do to convince you that you matter?
She said nothing
Because no words, no actions can ever be enough
For her to see that there is more to this world than she knows
That there are opportunities for her to pursue
That happiness is real and obtainable
You are right, you are absolutely right
Oh sweetie you have opened my eyes
Stay closed honey, stay locked
Don’t open your doors, build your walls up higher!
The world is a dangerous place, don’t wander away from what you know
It’s all a lie, it’s all a lie
No, she said
Stop, she said
You don’t understand
You are not me, nor I you
Don’t follow my foot steps
They will lead you no where
Here, she said
Leave, she said
But dear, I can’t
Why, she said
I am you and you are me.
Look at yourself, look closely
I know you, I do
* This is still in the works! Rough rough draft. 🙂 *
I was looking through my old documents and stumbled across one of my creative writings for APLIT back in high school. This is all still so vivid to me. Enjoy.
Drip Drip Drip; that constant noise of water falling to the floor; one drop at a time, at a slow and steady pace. You could probably feel the cold shiver of fear running through my blood from miles away. I could feel the cold marble floor touch the bottom of my toes and the warmth of the tears dripping onto my shirt. My eyes were swelling and my eye sight started to get blurry; was God going to try to take away my sanity? I curled into a tiny little ball; trying to hide away from the world, trying to hide my pain. I could feel my hands getting numb because I was holding my hand in a fist; stabbing my palm with my nails. But I didn’t care. The numbness started to flow through my body until I felt nothing. I didn’t feel it when I hit my head against the wall, I didn’t feel anything when I clawed at my face to stop the tears. Nothing worked; nothing could ever get rid of this pain. I sat there, lost and confused. I let my mind drift away from me. I let the warm tears continue to roll down my cheeks and follow down to my neck and onto the tips of my hair then hit my t-shirt. Reality hit me hard. Suddenly, I started feeling really warm inside and out. My skin started to feel like the sun on a summer day. Burning. I felt my cheeks slowly turn red and my eyes starting to find its sight back. Suddenly, all I could hear is a loud high pitched screeching noise. It wasn’t until it stopped that I realized it was me. My throat started to sting and I started coughing repeatedly to the point where my tears weren’t tears of sadness anymore, they became tears of pure physical pain. It felt like gravity was tugging my head up; giving me a headache so severe I almost pulled all my hair out. I was beyond furious now. How could this be happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? WHY? Next thing I knew, I saw a fist fly in front of my eyes and hit the wall near it. I pulled the fist back; staring at it…wondering why it flew all on its own. My knuckles slowly started turning red and started to swell up. I then looked up to the ceiling and said to myself, “I can’t believe I’m sitting here while my mom is over 7,000 miles away from me…having a kidney transplant with only a low percentage of surviving. Why am I here and not there?”
Rain and Mocassins is a horrible combination. Why? Because:
1) Your feet get wet instantly
2) Your Mocassins get soaked
3) You then begin to make squishing noises as you walk
4) Your feet now probably smell like crap. Gross.
5) & lastly, your Mocassins are now ruined. Forever
On the bright side, it gives you a legitimate reason to go shopping for a new pair. Bad side of that? Spending money you don’t have.
Lesson learned: Always check the weather before you get ready!!
You sniffle in class and everyone just stares at you.
You cough in class and people flinch away from you.
You see your friends and they don’t want to hug you cause they don’t want to be contaminated
You are literally a walking disease.
But on the bright side, you get to stay in bed all day and be lazy. Whoo!
Oh & people are a lot nicer to you when you’re sick. Wheee!