I wonder if you remember this blog. How I desperately wanted you to never see it but ended up giving in and showing you.

Do you still check to see how I am doing?

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There are just some things you can never prepare yourself for. For instance…

Drifting from a close friend
The end of a relationship
A loved one dying
The feeling of helplessness, of pity and despair.

I keep holding onto the sweet memories that once were, that the present and future start to get darker and darker.

Home

There is a boy I tutor who tells me that sometimes even when he’s home, he doesn’t feel at home. During our session he told me, “I want to go home.” I ask him, “where is home if not here?” He said, “I don’t know, but I don’t feel like I’m at home right now.”

Who would’ve thought I would resonate so well with a 6 year old. This empty suffocating feeling I get when I’m in my “house” is poisoning me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go. All I know is I need to leave.

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

Doubt

There is this unwavering voice that tells me you did wrong, you are going to lose, you always lose. No matter how much I try to shake it, it is unrelenting.

There is an Indian legend about two wolves. The story is about a grandfather teaching his grandson about life. He tells his grandson that there is a fight between two wolves. One wolf is evil — within him is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, and ego. The other is good — he is joy, peace, love, hope serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The grandson asks his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” The grandfather replied, “The one you feed.”

Which wolf am I feeding?