I have a tendency to do things that push people away. No matter how close I am to someone, no matter how many times they tell me they will always be there for me; I always wait for the day that they decide that I’m not worth it. I do it to everyone I love and everyone that loves me. I anticipate people to leave me and in a way it’s to protect myself — to protect myself from maybe not getting hurt as bad. I’m not really sure it works too well. Actually, I know it isn’t a healthy way of living my life. Each and every day is a battle with my anxieties of both trying to please people as well as trying to be brutally honest with how I feel and think. You would think it gets easier, but it only gets harder. I was once walking on eggshells, but now I am the eggshells. Being cracked day-to-day, hour-to-hour, by people who need me, use me. I’m made solely to be broken.
It’s getting harder to be understanding and caring when I feel like people don’t understand and care about me. I can’t expect people to respond the way I would respond to them. But should I expect people to treat me less than I treat them? Should I always have low expectations? Fuck. I think too much, I think too much.