Tags

,

When my mom was diagnosed with cancer everything around me became a blur. Nothing really made sense anymore. I continued walking forward in an attempt to find something or someone to hold on to, but I just blindly kept stepping forward without realizing I was stepping in glass the entire time. When someone you love has cancer, cancer no longer is just an illness, but is something you become. Cancer doesn’t only effect the patient, but everyone around the patient. It becomes a living thing, it becomes who you are. It becomes what controls your every action and dictates every step you take. It makes you numb. It makes you numb to everyone and everything else. No one and nothing else really matters anymore. I concealed everything I felt. I concealed everything I thought because to let it out would catastrophic. So a threw out my greatest act of all and showed my mom strength in order for her to feel strength. I put aside all of my ridiculous mental issues and did what I thought was the only thing I could do: keep smiling. When someone asked me how I was doing, I would throw on my idiotic smile and say I’m alright. When someone said how is everything going, I said everything is going well. Why? Because I have come to realize that the only thing to keep myself, my mom, and everyone else going was to continue to show hope. So I continued to lie. I continued to smile and laugh around everyone because I felt like there was no point is really showing and telling people how I really felt, how I was coping. A part of me hoped (and still am hoping), that someone would maybe notice and pull me aside to talk. But to have that expectation only destroyed me more. But I can’t complain because I am perfectly healthy, with loving friends and family. To selfishly think that I need support when my mom is the one with cancer is wrong, isn’t it?

Advertisements